Tend & Befriend. The nervous system/trauma response we don't talk about.

As part of becoming a Somatic Therapist I have been trained in Polyvagal Theory (Stephen Porges) and this is something that many of us are becoming familiar around. More and more somatics, trauma and nervous system regulation are taking up space in the mainstream and many of us now understand the parasympathetic & sympathetic elements of our autonomic nervous systems and the responses.

Rest & digest, fight or flight, freeze and fawn are the behaviours that could manifest out of the different states we might find ourselves moving through or stuck in. And I want to be clear that this is a framework, a theory to lean on so we can better understand what is happening with our bodies so we can allow for more compassion. How these responses/states play out can be highly individual and it’s not a one size fits all situation.

I also want to name that I really despise the word regulation. I try to avoid it as much as possible as it suggests that we need to control ourselves. Most suggestions & tools around regulation are quite dissociative and totally bypass the systemic & collective trauma many of us face. Living through polycrisis, witnessing genocide and climate collapse are of course going to jangle our nervous systems. Our bodies are from the earth and we are all interconnected, it’s NORMAL to not feel calm or ‘regulated’ and this is without going into the lived experiences of racism, transphobia, ablism, misogyny etc that many people have to navigate.

I much prefer to use words like tending or resourcing. We aren’t trying to escape our lived experience, we are looking to stay fluid and allow all of life to move through us. We don’t want to get stuck, this is where problems can arise. And we can also experience these nervous system/trauma responses at the same time.

Like when I go sea swimming I am experiencing both the parasympathetic (socially engaged, connected, resting) AND the sympathetic (the cold creating a stress response for me to move through, expanding capacity) these things are not binary and as mentioned really individual.

So… and I am so excited to write about this! I have been reading Warp & Weft, Psycho-emotional health, politics, and experiences and in the section about nervous system/trauma responses they speak to a fourth response, Tend & Befriend.

The term was first coined by Shelley Taylor in 2000, a psychology professor at the university of California. It was based on research that observed that humans, when stressed or threatened would typically seek connection and support with one another rather than attack or flee. The study was quite gendered and it was reported that this was more likely in female bodied people, who would be more inclined to nurture and protect their babies/children.

I believe we can imagine beyond this though.

When I read this I immediately thought about how myself and my community have responded to the trauma of witnessing genocide, the ongoing ecocide and polycrisis, nearly all of us have regularly been in a tend & befriend state.

Whether that’s been creatively organising mutual aid, creating content to elevate marginalised voices & finding ways to care for one another (tending) OR seeking community and connection (befriending). This has been the response that many have chosen because they understand our interconnectedness and I LOVE that it’s named as a nervous system response.

I have felt soothed & resourced when at protests, I have felt in action when I have been fundraising mutual aid and I have been weaving community and seeking connection as much as I can. This has been mirrored all around me and it’s wildly simple and obvious now I am writing it down.

We see this play out through history… war, genocide, oppression, pandemics. People come together, they tend & befriend, they weave and connect.

And isn’t that so wonderful?

I can think of so many times I have moved towards this and now I feel like it can be a more conscious choice. I also feel like as the collapse we are living through deepens, or the long dark as Francis Weller calls it we NEED to be choosing this. Tend & befriend feels like the planting of seeds in the dark, imagining new futures and remembering how to ask for and give care.

This feels like another more connected way of being for these times.

A reflection for you… how might tend & befriend look and feel for you?

Does it feel possible to choose this as a nervous system/trauma response and recognise that you are both letting things move through and moving towards connection?

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