Our bodies are relational, WE are relational.
We seem to forget about this over and over again. Our bodies are relational, we are relational, we need to be in relationship. With ourselves, each other and the environment we live in. This is true despite the relentless messaging of hyper-individualism.
Yes I am sorry, you won’t heal anything without being IN relationship.
I am sharing this from my own experience and from witnessing the experiences of my friends, community and clients. I am sharing this after spending 3 weeks with a group of 50 people in an intimate training and witnessing all my own shit come up again.
The path to healing is through our relationships.
I have shared before my experience of reclaiming myself through my relationships. How the closer I get with someone the more I can become triggered (can we get a new word please?) where my messy parts show up desperate to protect me because bad things happen when we get close to people. And this protection looks like sabotage, it manifests as the symptoms that prior therapists have used to pathologise me. Anxiety, avoidance even narcissistic qualities. Yes I used that word, Narcissism or Narcissistic qualities are a trauma response AND way more complex than the TikTok videos like to make out.
Anyway, my point is that all of these experiences are not really cognitive, they are mostly somatic. This is why even when you have spent years in therapy and maybe have awareness you still might find yourself repeating the same patterns over and over. The truth is though, these sensations and messy parts are portals. We have to step into relationship with them with a desire to know them and therefore ourselves.
We need to bear witness AND we also need to be witnessed in this process. Choosing to stay in relationship even when it’s hard, even when all our story comes up from the depths of our soma, it’s this moment that can become an opportunity, not something to runaway from.
Now let me be clear, this is not advice to stay in toxic relationships and this can be very messy when our own intuition and ability to set boundaries might be currently offline because of our trauma responses. So I don’t want to be idealistic about this and we must absolutely leave some relationships. We can speak more about this another time, because in a world where the vast majority of people are living with relational AND systemic trauma this can be really hard to navigate and it’s a big topic.
But that does not mean we should be deterred.
Our bodies long for us to return to relationship.
They long to be in connection.
From the moment the egg chooses the sperm and we start our journey of becoming we are and need to be in constant connection and relationship. We are only here BECAUSE of that.
Our bodies are the result of millions of years of relationship.
Our navels are portals to our ancestry.
Our lungs mirror the trees that give us breath.
Our hearts beat with the rhythm of the universe.
The iron in our blood came from the stars that died to create this life.
Our feet are in constant relationship with the earth underneath us.
And our skeleton has been shaped and evolved over millions of years of being in relationship to earth and gravity.
Our whole survival depends on relationship. And so this is why our deepest wounds are so scary. Most trauma and wounding is relational. We need love and care just as much as we need food and shelter.
And this where working with a therapist can be so supportive.
And this is foundational in Somatic therapy.
Quite often people are really surprised that our sessions together are mostly talk based. We will maybe have a somatic practice at the beginning, inviting the body into the conversation and then we chat. The early stages of therapy is the beginning of our relationship. I never expect clients to feel safe with me or trust me at the beginning, yes they chose me but relationships take time to build. It takes time to weave a container where we can actively meet and explore a persons trauma.
And words are the language we are all the most familiar with for this exploration and building of relationships. And what I love the most about how I have been trained is that we are encouraged to thoughtfully and intentionally share about ourselves so our clients can get to know us.
I saw a psychotherapist for two years and I did not know a single thing about her and yet she expected me to trust her with my rage, pain and grief. That never happened. Yes there were helpful elements of that experience BUT I remained stuck because healing is relational and you can’t be in relationship if one person is behaving like a robot.
My superpower as a therapist is in my lived experience, my own journey. As someone who had a very challenging childhood, has survived abuse, who is Autistic and was diagnosed late, who has lived through homelessness, who lives with chronic illness and who is Queer and Non-Binary ALL of these lived experiences means I can relate deeply with my clients. That I can witness and validate their pain and challenges, why would I withhold my own lived experience when it can be supportive?
I suppose because it’s not deemed ‘professional’
I would argue that relationships are far from professional and I don’t feel that professionalism is the foundation of healing. I have some insights around ‘being professional’ that show this to be more about control and oppression but we can save those for another day. Or you can go and check out Pat Radical Therapist on Instagram and find so much beautiful content that breaks this down.
I personally prefer care over ‘professionalism’ when it comes to the intimacy of supporting people in reclaiming themselves, remembering that they are whole. This is a messy, challenging and vulnerable journey to take. And to be fully able to take it our very human messy bodies need to be a part of the process. This is relational work NOT professional work.
I don’t think it’s a coincidence that in the west we have so much aversion to true connection and such a disconnect from our bodies at the same time. So many of us lack the skills to navigate our own needs, navigate conflict & repair and to have real intimacy in our lives. So many of us live with trauma stuck in our bodies that maintains this fragmentation. And that is what trauma is… a chronic disconnect from ourselves and each other. It’s all relational and the languages of words, movement and touch is how we navigate our healing.
Movement can come in many many forms. It might be walking in nature, dancing, yoga, running, it can be creative, slow or fast, it might look like a swim in the sea. Movement is such a magical way to be in relationship with ourselves, our environment and each other. It’s a way of letting our bodies speak and create. It can be a portal for helping things move through and to find more capacity.
Words are also potent. This might be a conversation with a friend, a weekly session with a therapist, or perhaps journaling and writing. Translating our experiences in the body into words is an incredible tool for nurturing and deepening our relationships AND healing.
And then touch, often the most challenging for so many. I know it is for me. Touch can be deeply healing and it’s always relational. It might be having a massage, stroking a pet, a hug with a friend, dancing with someone, feeling the earth under your feet, a weighted blanket, sexual touch, whether thats alone or with others. Our skin ultimately longs to be in contact, this incredible organ that is our first connection with the world.
All of these potential pathways for healing are because they are relational and beyond that they are portals for LIVING A FULL LIFE.
This is where we find meaning, joy, love and where we fill ourselves with the richness of life and then the full experience of loss and grief.
You are a human being who came here to have a human experience and I will end with this quote…
“We need other people in order to be people”
Have you found this insightful?
Then perhaps you might like to sign up to my email list where I share even more insightful and valuable things around life and being human.
I also keep people up to date with my offerings and I have some really exciting things coming in 2025.