Healing does not happen in solitude.
For some reason I am struggling to start this, it feels very close to home as a recovering avoidant to be talking about the journey of healing within the framework of community. My initial steps on to my own path were forced after a breakdown. A very common story for many of us. And I guess we can start there, in western culture in particular we are poisoned with individualism and fragmentation from a very young age.
Hyper-independence is largely rewarded. Many of us being taught that having needs isn’t acceptable, those of us who were of the ‘cry it out’ generation had our bodies learn from so young that no one would come if we cried for help or because we needed something. This isn’t parent bashing, I believe that most of our parents thought they were doing the right thing, this is culture bashing.
So when I initially entered therapy it was so someone could fix me so I could continue to be my best individual self. So I could function. Like a car going into the garage for a new clutch.
Kina who is @cptsdtherapist on Instagram did the most amazing post the other day on how structural dissociation manifests in people with C-PTSD or those of us with disorganised attachment, how we live in this tight restricting space of a desperate need and longing for connection and love while at the same time being in a state of disgust and shame around having needs or being vulnerable.
It has taken years and years to ease the terror that is alive in my body around connection and I don’t think it will ever fully go away. It’s an incredibly protective part of me that actually kept me safe. The key has been to get to know this part, to be curious and compassionate, to allow it space and expression but most importantly it needs to be witnessed in relationship with others.
This of course began in therapy. The therapeutic container is an opportunity for us to create the space to meet these parts of ourselves, to understand them better and also let them play out in relationship with someone else but with less risk, even though it will still feel really risky. It’s the playground for putting puzzle pieces together, understanding patterns, being validated and witnessed. Maybe even finding some safety within a connection for the very first time.
At some point this will hopefully start to spill out into life. Now I don’t wish to be simplistic here because it’s not simple. It’s messy, risky and uncomfortable. It’s also not linear, it’s a big spiral. I will use myself as an example.
A few years ago after a lot of therapy and shedding of harmful relationships I started to create new friendships with people. The beginning of these friendships were challenging, lots of the familiar dread and shame but I had more awareness and tools from therapy and very slowly over time I started to soften and feel like I could trust these humans in my life while also trusting that if it didn’t workout I would still be ok. I also started to release some of my own toxic patterns, create boundaries and realised that I could ask for reassurance. It became ok to have needs.
I am endlessly grateful for these friendships and how they have helped me heal and reclaim myself.
And then the spiral part comes in. I decided to move in with one of my dear and much loved friends. And wow did things go round again. I realised that every home I had shared with other people had come with neglect, abuse and toxicity. Old patterns around intimacy and needs came up and of course this is human to human so there are challenges for both sides.
It felt like regression but then it became an opportunity to go even deeper. All resistance is a portal to understanding ourselves better. By being able to be less shaming and softer with myself I was able to firstly ask for the reassurance I needed, which was given willingly but also to meet rupture and then REPAIR.
It was these things within my relationships that started to heal old old wounds. You can’t do that by reading a book, doing some meditation or going on a retreat. The real healing happens in our long term connections, it happens when messy things come up or we have to meet conflict. It happens when we finally choose to turn toward and not away.
And this has become extended beyond my closer friendships. I had to do group therapy for a year while in training and initially I felt like it would be a waste of time. However, this time in community, witnessing one another was deeply profound. And then there have been the numerous circles I have sat in and shared within which have also been huge for understanding myself more but also to really experience our interconnectedness.
Remembering we are whole also means returning to the whole and each other.
You start the journey alone, just trying to fix yourself enough to be a good cog in the machine but then as you get to know yourself, love yourself and understand yourself better it’s impossible to not follow the thread back to the collective.
And then this is where the real work begins ;)
Community, circle, relationships, group therapy, all seem initially terrifying. When you have never experienced healthy attachment, the ability to rupture and repair or had any sense of safety within connection or community it’s a big fucking deal to be brave and try to understand yourself, to meet yourself with compassion and curiosity so that you can allow the connection you deeply long for. So you can let go of patterns that have harmed both yourself and likely other people (no shame here, we all have the capacity to cause harm).
And then to stay in connection long enough for when it inevitably becomes messy (because we are human) and then still continue to be compassionate and curious with an open heart. This is where the real alchemy happens and quite often it slowly creeps up on us.
One day you might realise that new connections have more ease and less anxiety, you no longer fawn or people please, you feel more sturdy if a connection comes to an end, you have the ability to soothe yourself in the moment during conflict so you can participate in repair, boundaries feel easier and a deep sense of care and endless love sets in.
As humans we are deeply social creatures. Our connections are foundations for our wellbeing, returning to our interconnectedness is the journey.
And I am trying to find the words to end but it’s hard because I want to point you to our felt sense & capacity for love and to love. That in itself is aliveness and it’s the most beautiful, abstract and fundamental part of existence. And we can’t love or be loved alone.
So however you approach your therapy/healing journey I hope that when the time comes you don’t ignore the collective call from our heart to yours. I hope you return.
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