The magical act of transformation.

I have been in a serious act of transformation during 2023. I actually think this process fully started back in 2018 when I left my relationship. However, I buried myself deep in work and chasing something that I actually didn’t want. I was running away from myself. This is an incredibly complex topic for me as there is so much more to this than a brand new improved self. It’s just not that easy.

I think the real catalyst for where I am right now was my Autism diagnosis last summer. The sudden realisation that all my poor choices, struggles and always feeling on the outside was because I had spent my entire life masking. It was an act of survival of course. Neurotypical world requires neurotypical behaviour. My masking and my not knowing myself or perhaps constantly rejecting myself had come to an end with a psychologist validating my suspicions.

I was not made for this world, this system and pretending otherwise was making me sick in so many different ways. And so a great unravelling began. Not even really consciously at first, apparently the simple act of dropping your self hatred and replacing it with compassion is enough to kickstart change into motion.

And so here I am, a year later and a completely different person.

But that is also not true even though that might be how it looks.

The act of transformation is not a case of becoming a new person. It’s actually a homecoming, a return to yourself, it’s no longer rejecting who you are, it’s living in truth and meeting your needs. It’s choosing the life you actually want.

It starts with letting go. The hardest thing and this is why I believe it’s such a long process. You have to let go of so much. Beliefs, behaviours, people, things, businesses, an entire identity. It all needs to be stripped away. Because once you start to get know yourself and what you really want from your life you have to make space for it.

Some people will never do this work and that’s ok. I am actually happy for those people. I would love to just be able to happily move through this world without the friction I have suffered everyday of my life. To not feel a pull, a constant itch or feeling of frustration in my stomach.

This is not what I want and this is not who I am.

I wonder if you feel it too? While you move through the motions of the carefully constructed life you have built to fit in? I would love for that to be enough, wouldn’t you?

They lied when they told us it would be.

People often misinterpret that sense of not enough with that means they need more. There is a deep void that can be temporarily filled with shopping, alcohol, food, gym, overworking, self deprivation, drugs, sex, travel… take your pick of void fillers. There are plenty to pick from and actually our harmful capitalistic world depends on your need for these. The feeling never goes away though. The void is never filled, you will always be hungry because what you actually need is not outside of you.

And maybe at some stage, like my Autism diagnosis you will have a wake up call.

Transformation, getting back to yourself is an act of letting go.

And once you start to let go, when you slow down and start to let yourself fill the empty space that’s where transformation happens. Did you know that caterpillars completely dissolve before they become butterflies. They have to let go of everything that they are in order to become what they were always meant to be. That’s exactly what has been happening for me.

The actual process hasn’t been complex. It’s simply listening to myself, something you can’t do when you are filling voids btw. It’s using the word ‘no’ more than you ever have before, something I have found uncomfortable. The constant quest for belonging and wanting to be likeable removed the word ‘no’ from my vocabulary for a long time, I was imprisoned by my toxic people pleasing. Using it has not been easy but it gets easier the more I do.

Transformation also leads you outside of social norms. I mean I have never really felt aligned with what we are supposed to do, never wanted children, understood the restrictions of gender, enjoyed living with men in any capacity, felt motivated by our traditions or wanted to pursue the career path that makes your parents proud.

I never wanted any of it. None of it fit me. The things I was told I should be doing, the things everyone else seems to do. It felt like sandpaper the entire time I tried to wear it. The bit I hated the most was the sadness that I didn’t have the things I didn’t want. That I was defective, an oddity.

I still pushed for it all though. Until I couldn’t anymore. So at 37 I find myself a bit closer to who I really am through the magical act of transformation. The shedding of the skins that never fit me.

With the letting go of each layer I get more confident, compassionate, curious, content and connected. I have amazing people around me who are all driven by community and not capitalism. They are also humans living on the fringes of societal norms and we are all helping guide one another back to ourselves. I am evolving my business to suit who I really am and what I want to do with my time. I am retraining, scaling back, embracing a slower pace that keeps me healthy, that allows me to actually live and also help others.

I am still in my cocoon, I am slowly implementing action and things will be changing around here as well. I feel so excited about it but I also need to take the time to feel into each new discovery about myself and who I really am. There is no rush. I think it might be a lifetime of work.

I look forward to sharing more when I am ready.