The West Highland Way and the joy of slowing down.

I haven’t blogged in ages and that’s because things were very intense, with the build up to SNAP in April (my other business which is workshops and retreats for photographers) alongside some pretty rubbish mental and physical health issues. Blogging on here just hasn’t been within my capacity. And that’s ok. I am however, very excited to be sharing this blog post.

I have been through a big period of transformation. It’s been brewing for a while. As my businesses scaled into the realms of 6figures and I had financial success in my life, I witnessed some pretty big failures in other areas such as my health. As an insight I have been battling depression, anxiety, chronic pain and long covid for months. All while juggling a busy business and also giving everything I had to the SNAP community.

I have always been open about my struggles but I only realised in the last month how much I had actually been lying to myself about how bad things were. There has also been a new layer to processing my Autism diagnosis. Last year after being told I was Autistic I grieved for the girl who had spent her entire struggling to fit in, the girl who broke herself to validate her existence. The last few months I have realised that I simply can not operate at the level I have been for the last few years. It will kill me. People with Autism are far more likely to suffer with chronic burnout because everything is so much harder for us. We need time and space to recover otherwise we can then find ourselves chronically sick which is where I was heading.

Past me though had a very sensible idea and booked in to walk the West Highland Way a week after Big SNAP. I must have had a sense of what state I would be in by that point and if you have known me long enough you know I love walking. If you have followed me since 2020 then you will also know I walked the South West Coast Path that summer for charity and how much of a challenge that was for me to do it in 6 weeks.

I was approaching this walk from an entirely different place though. A place of need to rest and restore myself. I didn’t plan for the transformation part though. Over the last couple of months I have been scaling back and slowing down which is both terrifying and a huge relief. I deregistered for VAT and have scaled back my outgoings. I am now strictly limited to a certain amount of work every month which means I am operating at about a third of what I was before.

The problem with scaling back is that you can suddenly start to feel slightly panicky about not having enough, you realise that you were validating your existence with being busy, successful and wanted. You make space and the desire to fill it can be overwhelming. Because space is terrifying, especially if you are someone who has had a lot of trauma and have a tendency to avoid emotions. Empty space might mean you will feel stuff.

I was busying myself into an early grave with that avoidance. It’s almost like my 3yrs worth of therapy was a total waste of money. Or was it? This is where walking comes in.

Trauma disassociates you. Or disembodies you. Pick your D word. My actual work has been returning to my body, returning to myself. Walking helps me with that. No noise, no work, no real schedule, just one foot in front of the other. Breath deeply, lean into the pleasant discomfort and enjoy eating again, slowly, not a rushed thing I have to do. Followed by deep sleep. Then repeat.

You also have the layer of nature. Immersing myself in ancient forests, bathing in the beauty of trees far older than me. Engaging with awe both at the incredible landscapes but also the tiny details of new life as we are fully in spring now.

Slowness is longevity, I repeat to myself over and over.
Slowness is actually living, it’s actually experiencing your life.

The West Highland Way gave me many many gifts. Little messages to remind me that I am on the right track. The return to my body and to nature. I came out of fight or flight mode, I finally relaxed after a lifetime of being ready to go, ready to react at any given point. Of course it wasn’t one walk that did that, it was years of work and therapy. I had to go through it all to find myself breathing deeply on the shores of Loch Lomond with tears down my face as I realised that maybe I was safe in my body now.

And with that came the intense joy of being fully present. I hadn’t cried for over 3yrs before SNAP now through the power of community, nature and movement it was all flowing through me. So now I am in my new beginning. My new world of slowness. I am committing to it fully. I want a long full life of connection both with myself and others. I also want the time and space to feel everything. I want to mask as little as possible.

Things will be changing for The Woman & The Wolf. This space will naturally evolve with me. I will still be a brand photographer and I am still open for bookings just not as many. But I am also birthing something new. It’s not fully formed yet, I still have threads to pick at but I leave you with one word as a clue…

Alchemy.

For now though enjoy the West Highland Way on 35mm film. I am immensely enjoying film atm, it’s slow and feels like an extension of embodiment. I shot these on Kodak Gold and the scans were by SouthSun. I edited them a little and popped a few into black and white.

Please just enjoy them on this blog post, I will be setting up a print shop for my nature and landscape work soon if you wish to enjoy them in print.