It's ok to not be ok.
It's ok to not be ok.
So it's the start of the new year and my Facebook feed is filled with positive posts and motivational quotes. Right now I don't feel so positive. My Grandad died at 2.45am on new years day.
Back in early 2016 I discovered coaching and mentoring. I had been drifting through my businesses for near 5yrs without a huge amount of progress and then I discovered that I didn't have to do this alone, that other women in business were having the same struggles. And I spent a great deal of time and money learning from a couple of people. Some of it was incredibly valuable some of it had a hugely detrimental effect on me.
There was one practise in particular that I became a fully paid up member of by the middle of 2016. Manifesting. The power of thought and how thoughts become things and the universe will reward you with whatever it is you want if you believe in it hard enough and erase all blocks about not deserving it. Its pretty simplistic if you have negative thoughts you will receive negative things and if you have positive thoughts you will receive positive things. The universe doesn't care which it is, it only cares about what electromagnetic pulse you are sending out. Law of attraction. Like for like.
I binged on this and dived right in. And it worked. But it was exhausting. Having to constantly maintain a positive mindset out of fear that one negative thought would ruin 'the magic' that one moment of doubt would see all my hard work gone.
Thing is thats the key: work but more on that later.
It all came to a head in early 2017. I could feel the rhythm of my anxiety humming under my carefully curated positive world. I pushed it aside as everything was going so well. Then our landlord wanted our house back. Our beautiful cottage in the middle of nowhere that we loved living in. We had to find somewhere else. We searched high and low, rents had gone up, hours of constant nagging of useless estate agents who wanted to punish us for having a dog and to top it off the wedding season was starting. In the end we had to reside to moving back into London with Luke's mum.
Now there is a lot to be grateful for there, I know that and I am truly grateful that we have a roof over our head and it doesn't cost the earth and that Luke's mum is so lovely. Just wanted to be clear on that. BUT it's not what I wanted, this wasn't what we had worked our backsides off for.
And with that my carefully built wall of positive thoughts and beliefs was smashed down by the bulldozer of anxiety I had left unchecked. I was evicted from my positive thinking community who I had loved so dearly for now being negative.
What has followed has been one of the hardest 8 months I have had for a long time. I can recognise it now as a time of growth, frustrating and painful growth that isn't done with me yet but has given me some valuable lessons.
Emotional intelligence is everything. You can not be in business and deal with the normal challenges of life without it.
But what I also realised is that manifesting only worked for me because I opened myself up to opportunity and I took action on those thoughts and ideas. The universe didn't reward me with lovely things because I was positive enough. I went out and bloody well got them.
Life sometimes throws things at you that are totally out of your control, its not the universe rewarding you for your negative thoughts.
Its ok to not be ok.
Its ok to surrender to and accept the negative feelings.
Your negative emotions are a powerful way for your body to communicate with you. Anger is a message that a boundary has been violated, fear is a reminder to be cautious, frustration is an indication to make a change... All are important but at the same time on the other side of the coin none should rule you.
Right now I feel low. I still haven't fully registered what has happened if I am honest and I am tired. 3 months of back and forth from London to Devon helping to care for the most wonderful man. A constant state of stress and fear as well as still continuing to run all 3 of my businesses has now come to a head.
But its ok to not be ok.
I will go intelligently and intentionally into the grief that will come. The most painful of our emotions. It consumes you and always leaves a mark on the person that you are. That's ok. Grief is actually a ridiculously special emotion despite its negative label. Grief is there to remind you that you loved and were loved in return, its reminds you that you got to experience something special.
And so I say to all those who like me maybe experiencing similar losses or are going through a time of hardship.... its ok to not be ok.
Ami xx
HELLO!
My name is Ami and I am primarily a photographer based in London who specialises in personal brand and commercial imagery for women in business.
I offer a range of service from full branding to mini headshot sessions that I hold 4 times a year. I really believe that the best way to connect with your clients is on an emotional and personal level that be done through beautiful imagery.
I will also be offering empowering boudoir for women who want to be brave and show a side of themselves they have never let out before later in 2018.
I am also a wedding photographer at Rubie Love Photography so emotion and authenticity is something I am not only an expert in but I also thrive on.
If you want to know more about how I can help you just click on the button.