Nervous system regulation... helpful or oppressive?
Something that comes up as a ‘goal’ regularly with my one to one clients and group spaces is the desire to regulate ourselves. So many times I hear my clients express distress at their inability to ‘regulate’ themselves when they feel the big emotions like anger or grief, which are usually incredibly valid.
Nervous system theory (Stephen Porges, both useful & problematic) has continually used this word ‘regulate’ and quite frankly I hate it. I have deeply appreciated the conversation around this and the words resourcing or tending being offered instead.
I feel like regulation is connected to oppression & control of our bodies & expressions as human beings. I use myself as an example, as an Autistic and chronically ill human living in this giant mess of horrors, regulation firstly is impossible and also lets invite the question of; who has decided the parameters of being ‘regulated’ (hint it’s the people with most of the power, their mostly white)
In the book Warp & Weft, Psycho-emotional health, Politics and Experiences they say it better than me when it comes to the language around regulation…
‘‘What is problematic is that it can be spoken about as if we are supposed to just manage ourselves emotionally, often without clear, simultaneous acknowledgement of wider systemic context; of structural oppressions, which are fundamentally damaging, wounding and traumatising. It suggests that we are to 'self-reg-ulate as distinct, separate units, when we are not. I personally don't want to regulate to the mania and violence of capitalism or standards of patriarchy or whiteness. We could ask who determines what a regulated' base line feels like in an often very rapid, restrictive and dissociating culture.
Someone's consciousness and sensibility might mean that they need to self-regulate a lot, simply because of how they feel, living in a very overstimulating world where there isn't time and space given that honours everyones' being and processes. What might understandings of a 'regulated' base line be across different cultures? The ways someone 'self-regulates', or feels well, grounded and alive in themself, also might not fit with culturally prescribed social norms about how that should feel and look. Certain global Northern culturally sanctioned embodiments (and presentations) of calm, for example, aren't how everyone inhabits wellness.’’
Being a human being is an intense experience. Life is intense. Grief is intense, anger is intense, joy is intense, pleasure is intense, conflict is intense, activism is intense, love is intense, weather is intense, ritual is intense, creativity is intense, working out is intense, dancing is intense, pain is intense, sex is intense, nature is intense, being a body is intense, boredom is intense. I could go on and on.
Regulation is largely disembodied, dissociative. The idea that we can consistently maintain a palatable, likeable, never too much, positive and fixed existence.
Resourcing, tending, widening now these feel like intentions that can support us in living the full & whole experience of life. Intentions that can support us in meeting intensity, or being activated, or uncomfortable. They can also help us locate our edges and inform us when we might be tipping too far into overwhelm.
Let me be clear, the above doesn’t mean that we don’t want to rest. We must rest. But I think there is a huge difference between rest and avoidance. Rest can also be intense… so many of my clients use being ‘busy’ as a way of avoiding themselves because the moment they rest the space is created for all the things they are avoiding feeling.
So I would like to offer some tools for resourcing, somethings you can explore that will be supportive rather than oppressive. This is a big list and I would recommend choosing a couple and seeing how they feel. It’s important that the tools we use feel accessible, not overwhelming.
Stretching, shaking & sighing morning and evening. Doesn’t need to be a big deal, can be done stood up or start lying down, floor time is always appreciated by our bodies.
Rocking
Meet a friend, ask them to listen not give solutions.
Put your phone down.
Name objects, colours and plants that you can see in your environment.
Rest with a tree.
Dance!
Try to make space for boredom. Begin with just sitting, not trying to meditate. Do it for 20mins everyday and make some notes over what comes up. This is also where you can start to cultivate curiosity around resistance.
Sacred pauses. Start to learn to take a breath, be curious and listen when a contraction or discomfort arises in our bodies. What do you need? Make space, don’t try to shut down.
Connect with your breath, observe the air moving in through your nose filling your body, can you soften a little when you exhale?
Start to be curious about where you experience tension, gripping, holding. Don’t just try to get rid of it, be interested in it? What is your body trying to communicate? Can you release it without force?
Grief & rage is messy. When safe to, try to make space for the mess of these feelings. Let them come, cry, scream, punch a pillow, dance with them and it’s also ok to tell someone that you need a couple of days before exploring repair, honour this for other people as well.
I hope you found this helpful and below are some ways that we can stay connected.