So where do I start.

I came into 2020 recovering from Norovirus, reeling from a heartbreak, still in therapy but determined that this year would be better than the last three. If you have followed me you know my story and this year was meant to be the fresh start I deserved.

January started off well enough, the year was looking promising with work and I was the fittest I had ever been. I had also done a vision board workshop and felt clear about how the year was going to go both professionally and personally.

I decided to do run everyday for Marie Curie but while in Devon helping my Mum after she had major back surgery I became sick again. What started off as a mild flu saw me in hospital after a few days unable to breath properly. The recovery from that took weeks and saw my hormones spiral into total chaos. Whether it was the C word we will never know but I can tell you that I have never been so poorly.

February was normal, I was enjoying work after recovering and my diary was full of social events and fun with friends. Single life was starting to feel good and we welcomed the kittens to the world.

Then things started to go sideways. What had only been a mild concern for us was becoming an increasingly bigger problem. Covid was here. I can remember those last couple of weeks of ‘normal’ believing that it would blow over and not impact us.

The week it started to go seriously downhill I was out every night, Ninedots had put a get together on for us and it was the day The Photography Show was cancelled and I can remember that evening feeling like something big was happening. By the end of that week I was in a comedy club where the host thanked us for coming as they didn’t think they would be open by the next week.

They weren’t.

We went into Lockdown.

Suddenly everything was gone. My work, my social life and my world was stripped down to a flat in Bromley, 4 kittens and a woodland which I walked through everyday for 3 months.

I broke.

That 3 months was one of the hardest times in my life. I had my ex harassing me resulting in involving the police again. I started antidepressants. I thought about ending my life. I watched my industry go up in flames and I had to get very creative with my finances.

It was also one of the most important times of my life as I tapped into my resilience and chose to fight again rather than give up. I showed up. Every single day. I picked up my camera and documented my strange new life. I supported others, I made smart business decisions and took action every single day. I walked. I ran. I gave talks to groups of other photographers. I raised money for the Trussell Trust.

And slowly things started to change.

The lockdown was relaxed and we ventured back into our new world. I remember seeing friends again for the first time and how good it felt. I saw my horse for the first time in months and I started to walk longer distances as work started again. My diary was filled with brand shoots and while all my weddings had moved to 2021 things were starting to feel ok.

Then the world got tipped upside down again. In the space of a day I was given notice on my home and I was told my horse would have to be moved as well. The two places in the world where I felt safest were being taken away and yet more life changing decisions were going to have to be made.

Resilience kicked in and a home for Pearl was found quickly where she is very happily spending her days with a herd in Kent. As wild and free as a horse can be in the UK.

I then made a big decision for myself. This year was not going to be without achievement. It wouldn’t be the year of the Pandemic, not for me anyway. I decided to walk The South West Coast Path for Woman’s Trust, training started straight away, camping gear was purchased and I made the decision to move back into London when I finished.

I started on the 21st July with all my life belongings in my car and effectively homeless again for 6 weeks I walked 630miles and climbed 35,000m. I also raised £5500 in the end and finished with a new understanding of what I was capable of.

I moved the day after finishing the walk and was thrown straight into my new life and a lot of work.

Photo shoots everyday from early September until November. Sold out mini sessions, being an ambassador for Women Who Photo & Film with The Photography Show, my first podcast interview, a full social calendar, trips to The Forest of Dean & Scotland and a sense that I was going to end this year far better than I thought I would.

Then cases started to rise again and we were put back into a lockdown. I had a major trauma reaction to everything being taken away again. At the same time I needed rest. I don’t actually remember much of November. I filmed some content for Ninedots and kept my business visible but I also drank every evening and lost my sense of self and security. It became clear that I needed to go back into therapy.

I started work and therapy again in December, the month I had planned on taking off. I also launched and sold out my first course. December was a rollercoaster for many of us as things were allowed to open again and then quickly shut down despite the announcement of a vaccine. It became clear that I would be spending the festive period on my own. My Christmas day was spent wandering the streets of London with my camera documenting the empty streets and getting a hot chocolate whenever I came across a Starbucks.

We are now less than 2 days away from 2021 and who the fuck knows what will happen next year.

This year has kicked the shit out of me and everyone I know.

It’s also showed me I can do fucking anything.

It’s also made me grateful for every single person in my life.

This year stripped me bare and took everything away and while that has challenged me it also opened the door for the next version of myself. The stronger, calmer and more aware Ami who has a new sense of confidence and self belief. There is still work to be done, major trust issues still haunt me, I am working on getting out of fight & flight mode and anxiety is still a daily issue.

Regardless, whatever is in store next year I will meet head on.

The photos below are images that have made up my year that haven’t been work related.

My vision board, photo swaps with other photographers, the walk, Scotland, Christmas day, Lockdown, self portraits, my friends and of course an image of me stripped bare taken by Kirsty Mackenzie.

Happy new year everyone and well done to all that have seen themselves through the chaos.

2020 the year that slapped me, so I slapped it back.